I hope mine doesn't look like that
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
