i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
