I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
