I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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