You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize