i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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