my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
