I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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