Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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