he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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