so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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