how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
