I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
