saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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