i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
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I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
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That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize