make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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