When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
