So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
