you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
