This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
