Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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