My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
