I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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