Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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