Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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