Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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