my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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