Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
