Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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