dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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