Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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