I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
