Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
