One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Randomize
