I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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