I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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