I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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