i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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