If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
