I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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