I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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