So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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