Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Every concussion has its silver lining
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
