I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You pole danced in your parka.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
