I want to walk on stilts...naked
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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