i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
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I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
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No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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