So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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