i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
