Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
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You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Houston, we have a blender
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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