Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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