Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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