apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
