Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
