the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
