if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
