I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
