Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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