Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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