I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
